ennui

the answers to the survey ran from drug overdose to drowning,
from the classical hanging yourself
to the postmodern, postmortem
manner of going on a killing spree & ending up on death row,
from the romantic idea of slowly freezing your behind in alaska
while reading to build a fire
to the slashing of your wrists in the tub

from freaking out at the question, at the suggestion,
to cursing me out for taking him or her there, in the first place

from the expected outcomes in a controlled environment
to the more interesting
“life’s so insignificant that killing yourself isn’t worth the effort,”
“the earth’s refurbished material & life’s a colossal failure,”
to the as well meaningful, mindful
“what was wrong with me?
why was i running from cubicle to cubicle
& bothering people about dying, about unplugging themselves?,
why wasn’t i inquiring instead about their plans for the future,
about the three-day weekend coming up ahead?”

the gamut ran from the grotesque to the absurd, to the autistic,
as i kept on asking, tallying, & handpicking from the responses,
as i kept on editing, mortifying, or modifying the ones
that made the final cut,
that were included in the suicide for dummies instruction manual

the results of the out of the blue initiative, queer experimentation,
not disappointing me in the least (a tall order)

c. a. campos, 2012